jeaj

and you remember that you had a deviantart account that's still active, so you look through your old comments and art and feel shame. So much shame. Pretty sure it's been three years since I've done anything on here. I made the big tumblr switch in 2012, and I never looked back(of course, everyone has realized by now that tumblr is a shit website as well). I bet that's what most people did as well. I've never been one for a huge online presence, but devart was the only place I ever talked to people online or shared my art. I don't really do that any more. I mean, I was an annoying teenager, but having the guts to do that is still pretty amazing.
So I guess, more than anything this is a journal to myself, as corny as that might sound. I've been reflecting a lot lately about the past. Here we go: I don't cosplay anymore. I've talked about cosplaying again, but man, it takes so much time and money to do, and at the time I wrote this I am nearing the end of my college days, scouring the net for internships, or any thing that will let me get away from this side of the state. I'm ready for an adventure. I know that 18 year old me didn't dare to dream about leaving, but that changed pretty fast. So cosplay or anime conventions aren't really my priority. I know that would probably come as a shock to 18 year old me. I do however still watch anime or read a manga every now and again. Those hobbies don't really go away. I love video games now. I watch youtubers, and play old games that I missed out on because they were mature rated, and I want to try livestreaming some time. Another thing I should mention is that I am a Design major at my school. I didn't really know what Graphic Design was when I was 18, but by now I think I figured it out. It took me a while to get a passion for it, but I found it and I don't ever want to let it go. I wanted to make comics when I was younger and that's something I still intend to do someday, but for now I still walk around and make up stories and draw out characters. My art has improved, even if I don't really believe it. The stuff I put up here is way outdated and shitty, but it's also a sign of progress. Speaking of shitty, I've developed quite the potty mouth. I used to think that cursing wasn't "classy", but I think when you've hit a point in your life where you don't have any money and you spend 90% of the time by yourself, and you realize just how fucked up this world is, it just kinda happens. I also don't have a whole lot of friends. I'm okay with it mostly. There are a lot of old friends I don't talk too, and a lot of friends that I try to connect with but who don't really reach back. It sucks, but I figure when I'm out of college I'll try and do more things like talk to people at gaming conventions or make some work buddies or something. I'd rather have a few good friends than a million bad ones. That's another thing. At one point I began to realize that some of the old friends weren't really that great of friends. This is just something that happens. You grow apart and realze next time you meet that you've changed as a person and they really haven't. And you have no choice but to move on. If they catch up, that's great. If not, there a billions of people in the world, so it's not a tragedy if you don't like every single one. Better than putting your trust in the wrong people and having it bite you in the ass later. Anyway, that's it for my ramblings today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that some shit changes and some shit doesn't. Guess that's life. Bye deviantart.

I got sick of having the other one on my front page cause it's very very long. Sooooooooooo yeah. I plan to put stuff up today, and I might attempt to work on cosplay, though my lack of sewing skills may get in the way. Haha...... Yep.

EDIT: Lied, my scanner doesn't work.

Been a while since I made one of these... not that I have enough watchers to care ahahaha >.>
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME RANT, THEN DON'T. DON'T READ IT EITHER. xD

Welly-well then, lets get started, shall we?
To start off, I apologize for lack of art, I'll probably put some up tomorrow. Maybe. Cosplays aren't going as quickly as I had hoped they would.... I should be done with Meiko but I'm not and there isn't anyone to blame but myself for lack of sewing knowledge. Seriously. Sometimes I hate my lack of knowledge for things, but how else is one supposed to learn? Ahaha. Then there is the matter of Maka. Oh maka. I feel bad that I have yet to order the wig for her. >.> yeah. And then there is Haruhi, who is probably the one I want to cosplay the most. Now THAT issue is partially my fault for not being able to drive, and being so socially awkward that I can't get our group together for a meeting. And now you think, wait, isn't that the King's job? Well she certainly has done a lot for me, and I think I need to start pulling my own weight.... but now I've just now started to wake up and smell the sweet smell of "HELLO? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU'RE A SENIOR!! HURRY UP AND DO ALL THIS CRAP SO YOU CAN GO TO COLLEGE!!" and I think: "Well lump this! I'm not even 18 yet! Where the glob did all my beautiful youth go?" Probably with the release of the last Harry Potter movie... >.> Yet I find myself able to read manga and watch anime. Priorities my friend. Priorities. But I digress. Our King had realized this long ago and has been working toward her dream, rather than fart around with the rest of  us. I respect her for this, as well as all the other seniors for working so hard compared to me. So why do I feel lonely? Probably because it's springtime. But seriously, I want enjoy the rest of highschool to the fullest and these darn teachers and parents keep pushing me away from that. Or maybe I'm the one holding myself back? Gosh, I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure that out soon. ANYWAY...... yeah. Doubt I'll have the Ouran jacket anytime soon.... I'm half tempted to just buy it online, but that would be more money, and everyone wouldn't match.
Man. You know what really irks me? Trying to make plans. It seems as if only certain people can pull this off successfully, and I am not one of them. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe secretly nobody wants to bother with me unless they really have to. I mean seriously,  haven't you felt like that? That your friends are only dealing with you out of pity? Yes, I know, I shouldn't think those things, but tell me it hasn't crossed your mind? It seems that half the time I'm only invited to things because they feel bad for me, and they always have to decide before hand whether or not to invite me. Well shoot. Guess I'll stay at home next time, huh? eheh... Or maybe I'm just stubborn. Well DUH. I know I'm stubborn. It's one of the things I take pride in. Not getting into things you aren't interested in.... you should have the right to choose. But not feeling left out is pretty much impossible when you're so close. SO DARN CLOSE. Which brings me to a metaphor of my creation. The Wall of fandom. It's a wall you yourself have created. It can't be moved, knocked over, or destroyed completely. It is endless, and cannot be jumped over, nor dug under. In that wall, there is a tiny window. A window of opportunity. You see your friends through it, and see what a wonderful time they are having. But if you break the window, you risk disturbing them and/or being infected with the fandom disease. Is it worth it? Up to you.

You know what I have to say to the paragraph above? "I'm just your problem." eheh. I love adventure time right now <3

Sorry to anyone who is offended by this, though I don't see how you would be(in which case, please explain with grotesque detail. Makes life more entertaining, ya know). So, yeppers. In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."